Recalling my sex life through the different stages of my life is quite interesting and entertaining to me. I can recall being very insecure about my body when I was younger, even though I now know that I looked great back then. I thought I was fat and I would dread getting naked in front of a man. Ironically, now that I’m actually fat, I give much less of a f**k now about getting naked than I did back then. I use to leave a t-shirt on back in the day; now, I’ll get butt-naked at the drop of a hat. Why? Fortunately, with age and wisdom comes acceptance and self-love. I know that I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I also know that the man who is going to love and accept me is going to love and accept this body and all of its awesomeness – because I love and accept myself. 

I interviewed a few of my friends, all different ages, to get their takes on sex, both now and when they were younger. 

Jade, 38

How are you better in tune with your body now than in earlier years?

I know what I want now because I have more experience.

How are your sexual needs different now? Do you require certain things of your partner now that differ from in earlier years?

Unlike most women, I am not a crockpot; I'm a microwave. It’s not as difficult for me to become stimulated now as it used to be. If you can stimulate my mind, you can stimulate the vagina.

If you could teach your younger self something about sex that you now know you needed to know back then, what would it be?

In my earlier years, I had no idea what sex involved and I was not experienced, so I definitely have changed. I would tell my younger self to wait. It is not everything that it is hyped up to be.

Does body image have an impact on your sex life? If not, at what age did you become comfortable with your body and being naked with your partner?

Body image is not an issue for me. I love myself and if my size offends you or turns you off, then you are not the one for me.

Is oral sex a requirement? If so, how do men react when you communicate this to them?

Oral sex is not a requirement if the penis is good. I don't need that to get wet or involved, so it is a bonus not requirement.

There seems to be a stigma attached to giving a woman oral sex that somehow makes it dirtier than giving a man oral sex or somehow unacceptable. Why do you think that is?

I don't know if that is a stigma because most guys I know brag about being the ‘head doctor’ and being able to lick you up and down. But those are the guys my age that wear it like a badge of honor; with younger guys, it definitely seems to be taboo. 

Is sex more or less enjoyable now than in earlier years? How?

Sex is more enjoyable now because I am open to try new things and I know how to make myself climax if need be, and I don't waste my time on guys that don't please me.

Ann Marie, 33

How are you better in tune with your body now than in earlier years?

I am experienced enough now that I know what I like and I don’t like. Also, I know how to make sure I climax. That was a challenge for me in my younger years. 

How are your sexual needs different now? Do you require certain things of your partner now that differ from in earlier years?

When I was younger, I didn’t have any requirements. I was too embarrassed to communicate this to my partner anyway. Now, I will kindly guide my partner to sync up with my mood. It doesn’t need to be fast and hard all the time, and it doesn’t need to be slow and soft all the time. I expect him to get in tune with my moods. 

If you could teach your younger self something about sex that you now know you needed to know back then, what would it be?

Don’t have sex with a guy just because he wants to have sex with you. Your vagina is valuable and precious and should not be shared with every guy who tells you that you’re beautiful. 

Does body image have an impact on your sex life? If not, at what age did you become comfortable with your body and being naked with your partner?

Body image still has a pretty noticeable impact on my sex life. I have been a plus-sized woman for most of my adult life, and it makes me uncomfortable to be naked in front of my partner. As I get older, I am beginning to realize that most men don’t care about a love handle here, a stretch mark there – they just feel blessed to have a naked woman in front of them, willing to have sex. However, it’s still something that I struggle with. 

Is oral sex a requirement? If so, how do men react when you communicate this to them?

Oral sex is always preferred, but it is not a requirement for me as long as everything else that we do is spectacular. If the sex is lacking, I probably won’t stick around long-term anyway, even if he gives great oral. 

There seems to be a stigma attached to giving a woman oral sex that somehow makes it dirtier than giving a man oral sex or somehow unacceptable. Why do you think that is?

There is no way that I can say this without sounding childish, obscene, and a little ridiculous: I believe it’s because female genitalia is ‘inny’ and male genitalia is ‘outty’, if that makes sense. The vagina is much more complex than the penis, in my opinion. There are folds and creases, inside and outside of our bodies. Not being able to see exactly where their tongue is going at all times may seem a bit scary. And of course, I believe another fear is that the young lady may not be clean. 

Is sex more or less enjoyable now than in earlier years? How?

Sex is definitely more fun for me now than when I was younger. Again, knowing my body, my likes and dislikes, knowing how to achieve orgasms – all of those things make it much more enjoyable. Plus, with more experience, I’ve learned how to do things to please my partner as well, which is always fun. 

Nicole, 24

How are you better in tune with your body now than in earlier years?

I am still learning my body. However, I’m definitely better in tune with my body now than I was a couple of years ago. I am still figuring out the things that I like and don’t like. 

How are your sexual needs different now? Do you require certain things of your partner now that differ from in earlier years?

I don’t really have requirements. When I have a new partner, I just kind of learn their habits and what they are willing to do through having sex with them, and either I work with it or I move on.  I’m way too shy to talk to him and tell him what I want. 

If you could teach your younger self something about sex that you now know you needed to know back then, what would it be?

Wait to have sex; once your virginity is gone, you cannot get it back. Most of the time, it’s wasted on some jerk anyway, so just wait. 

Does body image have an impact on your sex life? If not, at what age did you become comfortable with your body and being naked with your partner?

Even though I am told all the time how beautiful I am and what a nice figure I have, I am not comfortable being naked with my partner. The entire time, I’m wondering “does he like what he sees” or “I hope he doesn’t notice this imperfection or that imperfection.” It’s so stressful at times that I can hardly get into the sex that we’re having. 

Is oral sex a requirement? If so, how do men react when you communicate this to them?

I love oral sex! I would like to give it and receive it every time I have sex. However, as I said before, I could never communicate that to my partner. It’s too embarrassing of a conversation and I’m afraid it may turn him off if I am so aggressive about my sexual needs. 

There seems to be a stigma attached to giving a woman oral sex that somehow makes it dirtier than giving a man oral sex or somehow unacceptable. Why do you think that is?

I think men are afraid of looking less manly or looking whipped if they admit that they like to do it; like their boys will think less of them if they admit that they like to orally please their woman. I don’t get it. What’s wrong with pleasing your woman?

Is sex more or less enjoyable now than in earlier years? How?

Sex is definitely more enjoyable now. When I was younger and less experienced, I pretty much just laid there, lol! I didn’t know what else to do! Now that I know I have options (positions, toys, etc.), it’s definitely more exciting and fun. 

I was not at all surprised to learn that the younger woman seemed to struggle the most with sex. She struggles with communicating her wants and needs to her partner, and she struggles with insecurity. Age affords us the opportunity to come to terms with our true selves, inside and out. This is not something that can be learned, it simply comes with time and experience. I am quite certain that in about six years (give or take), Nicole will be better able to communicate her needs to her partner. Ladies of a certain age know that if you do not communicate your sexual needs to your partner, it may never improve, and no one wants that. 

Confidence is not guaranteed to anyone; however, I believe that Nicole will gain some of this as well. Ann Marie said it best when she said that most men just feel blessed to have a naked woman in front of them, willing to have sex with them. Even when not having sex, men are much less critical of our physiques than we give them credit for. Don’t let your insecurities hinder you from enjoying your sex life. Remember: one day, you may be too old and too tired for sex, so enjoy it for as long as you can! 

Cover Image by Hana Haley
Image by Jodeci Zimmerman