Sex is perhaps the most intimate act that can be shared between two people. Usually, when you reach the stage of having sex in a relationship, you should share a certain level of comfort, so embarrassment should not come easily at that point, right? Well, not necessarily. Especially in the very early stages of a relationship when you’re still learning each other’s bodies, sexual likes, and sexual dislikes, mishaps during sex are bound to happen. The most important thing to remember when these mishaps happen is how to play it off like a boss. For the sake of anonymity and to save them from being thoroughly roasted by their friends, the names of all participants of this article have been changed.
*Warning: Explicit material ahead*
Back before I got married and was still dating, maybe seven years ago, I met this guy on a dating site. We went out on a couple of dates, and everything seemed cool. He was a nice guy and someone that I saw potential in. So when we finally decided to go back to his house one night, I was really excited about it. In the middle of our sex session, he starts crying. I mean like full on boohooing. Of course it threw me off and I immediately become nervous and very confused. He then began telling me that he hadn’t had sex with anyone since his ex, and he missed her so much, and having sex with me just brought back memories because I looked just like her! While I was sympathetic and genuinely felt sorry for him, it was probably one of the weirdest things that ever, ever happened to me during sex. I never called him again.
I use to work in a public park doing the grounds keeping. I had a coworker who was always flirting with me and always trying to hang out with me after work. It was very obvious that she wanted me. I tried to brush it off because we were coworkers and I didn’t want to go there with someone I worked with. But after a while I said what the hell. So one day while we were working, she was pushing up on me, so I asked her if she wanted to go into one of the sheds in the park and have sex. The park was fairly empty because it was early in the morning, so it should have been easy to pull off. We got into the shed and she told me she wanted to have anal sex, which I was ok with. We started going at it, and everything was great. When we finished, I went to pull out while she was still bent over, and she projectile defecated all over my white uniform shirt. It was the worst sexual experience of my life. Now, looking back at it, it was pretty hilarious. I can laugh at it now, but I was traumatized by it back then. It stopped me from having anal sex ever again though.
I’m not an extremely picky man. I don’t mind a woman who has a little hair between her legs. But one time, I went down on this girl who was so hairy, her pubic hairs were shedding in my mouth. It was gross and distracting. I didn’t want to make her feel bad about it, but hell, I couldn’t keep spitting out hair without her noticing. But being the true G that I am, I just stopped giving her head and had sex with her anyway. I already invested time and effort into getting her ready, so why not finish the job? Without ever having to say a word to each other about it, she started waxing the very next day. We’re still together.
Everyone who knows me knows that I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life. Within the past year, I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight – like, a lot of weight. So with my new trim figure, I felt more confident about being naked in front of a man. Recently, I dated a dude who I really liked. I was a little nervous to have sex with him, because he would be the first man that I’ve had sex with since my weight loss. But I figured if I ever want to have sex again, I’m going to have to get over it and give my new body a test drive. So when I decided to go for it, he of course was down with it. I really wanted to impress him, so I decided that I was going to show off some acrobatic moves in bed. Well, it started off great, but I got a little too cocky. I was on top of him and attempted to change positions by doing sort of a backflip off of him, but I miscalculated how close I was to the bottom edge of the bed. Needless to say, I fell off of the bed with a thud that could be heard ‘round the world. I wasn’t hurt, unless you count my pride and the complete embarrassment that I suffered! He was great about it though – we both laughed our asses off for a good 10 minutes, then resumed having sex.
I went on a few dates with this girl, but we would always either meet at our destination, or she would meet me at my house. At that point, I had never been to her house before. One day, she invited me to a barbecue at her mother’s house. There were a lot of cars parked in the driveway, and the girl’s car was blocked in. She asked me to drive her to her house really quickly so that she could pick up a few more things needed for the barbecue. So when we get to her house, I told her that I needed to use the restroom. She was extremely hesitant to let me inside. She told me that with the planning of her mother’s barbecue, she hadn’t had time to clean her bathroom in a while. I was like don’t worry about it, it’s cool, I understand. I was not ready for what I saw. Do you hear me? NOT READY! When I entered the bathroom, I actually gasped in horror. She heard me and immediately began to apologize and reiterate that she had warned me. I was afraid to touch anything. There was blood on the toilet seat. The tub looked like it had never been cleaned – ever. There was no soap anywhere in sight. But it wasn’t just her bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom, I caught sight of her bedroom and kitchen. There were clothes all over her bed and floor. I asked her where does she sleep, and she told me she just pushed the clothes to one side of the bed, and she sleeps on the other side of it. WHAT?! Her kitchen sink looked like seagulls should have been hovering over it. The entire place smelled like hell.
I was trying to get up out of there ASAP. When I went to execute my escape, she appeared out of one of the filthy rooms totally naked. She had a BEAUTIFUL body, but I could not become aroused because I was so traumatized by her disgusting house. Do you know she actually had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to fool around there before we went back to her mama’s house? I had to stop myself from screaming “Bitch, are you crazy?” I politely declined, we hopped back in my car, I dropped her off and told her I had to go. As beautiful as she was, I couldn’t fathom ever having sex with her knowing what I knew. I never called her after that, and she never called me either.
I once hooked up with this girl who, in my opinion, clearly did not bathe thoroughly. I know you probably think I’m nasty for even hooking up with a girl who doesn’t bathe correctly, but I promise you that I didn’t know this tidbit until it was too late. I attempted to go down on her – not only did she smell of something totally unholy, but there were little bits of toilet tissue every-fucking-where. I literally thought I was going to vomit right on her. I was more angry than disgusted though. I was all like “You knew we were having sex tonight! This is what you think of me? This is how little you think of me, to not even prepare? This shit ain’t fit for human consumption!” I couldn’t help myself, I totally lost it. There was no way I was going through with that, so I just got dressed and left. I ran into her a few months after that at a bar. My friend was trying to holler at her. I simply pulled him to the side and said “Dude, run.”
My boyfriend and I had date night at a Mexican restaurant. I love Mexican food, but it doesn’t agree with my stomach. Still, that usually doesn’t stop me from eating it. I guess I ate one too many beans. When we returned home, we were both feeling good and tipsy from the multiple margaritas that we threw back. Well, between me being in a bent-over position and my stomach being upset, I farted on him. I don’t mean a little dainty fart that you can hardly hear. I mean, it was the fart to end all farts – loud, long, and smelly. We had to pause for a minute, not only to make sure that I hadn’t shit myself, but also because he couldn’t take the smell and we couldn’t stop laughing. Thank goodness that he already loved me, otherwise, he may have left me after that!
Sex can be an embarrassing act when you really think about it. Things are slapping against each other, there are a lot of gross sounds, and a lot of fluids being exchanged. The savagery! But when you add farts, falls, and unsanitary conditions to the mix, sex can be downright disgusting. If possible, the best thing to do is to try to find humor in the situation and laugh it off. Hopefully, your partner will have as great of a sense of humor as you. When humor cannot be found in the situation and it’s just too disgusting for words, get up, get dressed, and never return. In other words, “Dude, run.”
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