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Sex & Relationships Ask YES! to Consent: same-sex safe sex, pre-cum, and more

Jan. 10, 2018
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YES! to Consent is a Montclair, New Jersey-based organization that seeks to empower young people and deconstruct rape culture, with an intersectional feminist perspective, through educational workshops about consent and the broad spectrum of sexuality. YES! answered the questions Crybaby readers submitted about birth control, sexuality, masturbation, and more.

What is the best and safest way for females to have same-sex sex?  I want to know about safe sex for lesbians, what safe-sex measures we have, and where can we can get what we need.

There is no best way for anyone to have sex, because sex is so dependent on the specific people involved.  Everyone likes different things!  The most important thing is not to put certain expectations on the sexual encounter based on cultural norms about sex.  Often, we think there has to be penetration and orgasms for sex to “count.”  My advice is to take some time exploring your own body and your partner(s)’ body/bodies in order to figure out what feels best for you and them.

In terms of safe sex, try dental dams!  Dental dams are thin sheets of latex that provide protection for oral sex on a vulva or oral sex on an anus. If you can't find them at your drugstore, you can easily turn unlubricated condoms into dental dams—just cut off the rim and the tip and cut down the side, and it'll work great!  (Unlubricated condoms are better because you don’t always want lube in your mouth or on your scissors.  Add lube after if you want some.) Another option is that you can actually use Saran Wrap as a dental dam.

If you are using toys or other objects to play with penetration, you can use plain old external condoms, as well as internal condoms (which are awesome for a bunch of reasons). You can also wear latex gloves if you're using your fingers!

Does a woman’s body really change after sex? I come from a very conservative home, and the women in my family have always told me that once a woman is sexually active her body will start to change (like weight gain, filling out, etc.).

Absolutely not! I’m so sorry that people have used those kinds of fear tactics on you, but you can rest assured that your body will not change after sex in any visible way.  Even the hymen (or vaginal corona) doesn’t change in the way that popular culture leads us to believe.  Hymens don’t break or “pop” and usually don’t bleed.  They may stretch and change throughout puberty and during penetrative sex, but they don’t fundamentally change from having sex!  

I haven’t been able to cum from just penetration; is that normal?

So normal!  First of all, bodies are all so different that it’s hard to say anything is normal vs. abnormal.  But statistically speaking, fewer than 30% of people with vaginas have orgasms just from vaginal penetration.  Most need clitoral stimulation, so try adding fingers or vibration or something to get some clit stim going.

Can “pre-cum” get me pregnant?

Yes!  While pre-cum (i.e., pre-ejaculatory fluid) doesn’t actually have sperm in it, sperm from previous ejaculations can hang out in the urethra for a while, and it can come out of the penis with pre-cum. So, again, yes, pre-cum can lead to pregnancy.