INT. TIERNAN’S APARTMENT - MORNING
Tiernan, a 23 year-old writer, has just woken up. She is lying in bed, thinking about how she needs to start getting ready for work.
TIERNAN: I have to get up.
DEPRESSION: That’s cute. Now let’s stay in bed all day watching reruns of shows you’ve seen a million times and then feel like shit about yourself at the end of the day for not doing anything.
TIERNAN: But I have a job and responsibilities.
Tiernan starts to get up, but stops...
DEPRESSION: No, there is only Netflix. Also I just took away all of your creativity and motivation. They say hi.
TIERNAN: Dude, I need those. Why you gotta be like that?
DEPRESSION: I’m just being myself. I can’t help it that you never know when I’m coming to visit.
TIERNAN: Um, excuse me, you showed up out of the blue with no warning and no reason for coming. Rude.
DEPRESSION: Sorry not sorry. Oh, and one other thing: I just took away your energy too.
DEPRESSION: That fatigue washing over your entire body? That’s me, I did that. Isn’t that crazy?!
Tiernan slumps back into bed.
TIERNAN: Not cool, bro.
DEPRESSION: Netflix is calling your name, my little slug.
TIERNAN: But my jobs…? How will I pay rent?
DEPRESSION: Okay, how about this: you can stress yourself out about all the things you have to do while you’re watching Netflix, so even that won’t be enjoyable. And look--I invited a friend to help you out!
ANXIETY: Hey, girl.
TIERNAN: Wait… no…
ANXIETY: Just wanted to remind you that your rent isn’t gonna pay itself and if you stay in bed all day you’ll probably get fired and your career will go nowhere. LOL! Oh, and if you start to feel overwhelmed and stressed out, that’s because of me, so just start hyperventilating and freak out more. Love ya, byeeee!
Tiernan mumbles something incoherently.
DEPRESSION: Ooh that’s rough boo. You should probably cry uncontrollably for the next few hours. And then I want you to ponder the pointlessness of your existence. Really let the worthlessness sink in.
Tiernan’s eye starts twitching slightly.
ANXIETY: Hi, I’m back. While you’re pondering the pointlessness of your existence, think about all the work and other responsibilities you’re neglecting in order to ponder said pointlessness of said existence.
DEPRESSION: She’s got a point… but why even do the work if your life is worthless, am I right?
ANXIETY: Your life really will be worthless if you don’t do anything with it, silly goose! Also I hope you don’t mind, but I invited a friend…
IRRATIONAL ANGER: What’s up, betch! Doesn’t look like life is goin’ your way, huh? If I were you, I would scream until your throat hurts and then maybe throw your phone. I mean, if you’re gonna take me out on anything, it should probably be the most expensive and necessary item you own.
ADDICTION: You know what will make you feel better about that busted phone? Cocaine.
DEPRESSION: Oh my god, do it, then I’ll get to stay around much longer! We’ll be inseparable!
IRRATIONAL ANGER: We can be the fearsome foursome! Especially since I’m gonna have you alienate all your friends and family once you do that line.
Tiernan groans and buries her head in her pillows.
FADE TO BLACK.