Humans are selfish and clueless beings. Utterly funny. Do they not understand that I am simply doing my job? Yes, it involves fire and pain and horror, but this is how I make my living! Is it not clear that everybody has a business, and my business is agonizing and tormenting and giving justice to human beings who behave bad? Yes, Jimmy—I know you stole that cookie! Why do humans only want pleasure and peace and those other sweet activities heaven offers? I wish they knew that waking up at 6 AM to terrorize another sinner is not pleasant but simply my way of making a living. 

I travel by train, smoke cigarettes, and use cream when my body is not red enough. I am just like you! 

Anyway, I would like to be treated with consideration and respect. After all, I execute the hardest job out there.

Burning regards and bon voyage,

Professor Devil