The first time I masturbated, I was 14, which I’ve been told by many makes me a “late bloomer.” It wasn’t even something I’d planned on doing. The only reason I brought myself to completion was that I’d been rubbing my dick against a velvet neck pillow (the reasons why I had it are still unknown). When I released, I had a huge moment of panic and a huge amount of mess—it was a lot for a teen boy at six in the morning. So I snuck into the bathroom to wipe myself down and grabbed some extra tissues to clean up my room. That’s when my little brother woke up and confronted me about why I was up so early. “Nothing, go away,” I whisper-shouted at him. “Oh…and happy birthday.”

Like most sex topics, people often get a little red-faced when talking about masturbation. It’s wild, because we all do it, and hiding it is more pointless than abstinence. We’re not all Daphne Bridgerton learning about masturbation from the Duke of Hasting while promenading. (Though I wish—Simon could break my body in half and he’d never get children, which is a good trade-off for him.)

Masturbation shouldn’t be stigmatized, since it has positive effects on mood and mental health. It can help alleviate stress, increases dopamine and epinephrine levels in the body, and improves self-image. Masturbation can even help you live longer and boost your immune system. So maybe all that solo business while suffering in COVID isolation is keeping you healthy.

But even though there are plenty of benefits to masturbating, that quick pump and dump can often put you in a slump. It can feel like something you have to do, instead of something you want to do. I’ve spent a lot of this quarantine reconnecting with myself, and there are a few things I’ve kept in mind to reconnect with myself a little harder.

Note: Before you read these tips and tricks, I think it’s appropriate to mention that I have a dick with cut foreskin, so I’m speaking from the perspective of someone with some reduced sensitivity. I’ve tried to be mindful of this while encompassing these tips and tricks, and hopefully they’ll work for everyone regardless of the genitals that currently occupy your body. If they don’t, you can tell me. As I said, I have reduced sensitivity.

Masturbate mindfully. 

This is something I’ve thought about since the first time I masturbated, as that first time was such a jarring, unexpected experience. For the first year or so of being “sexually awakened,” I limited myself to bi-weekly sessions because I knew the pleasure of masturbating could have me spiraling out of control fast. Even now, I don’t like masturbating just for the sake of it… Okay, that’s a lie, but I do try to be self-aware. I ask myself: Are you horny? Bored? Sad? Tired? While the answer to all of those things at all times is “yes,” it’s good to take a minute of reflection before releasing the beast.

So slow it down, explore your various erogenous zones (or find new ones), and be mindful of how you’re feeling during the session. When you get to know your body at its most vulnerable, you can better communicate to a partner what you like, and also get more out of real, God-honoring sex.

Part of being mindful is not only putting yourself in a good mental space to crack open your nut, but a good physical space, too. I tend to do a bit of stretching beforehand. It helps get your blood flowing for a greater sensation, but I’m also an old man with bad joints. And in terms of environment, there’s no reason you can’t participate in a PG-13 rom-com-style masturbation fantasy in a bubble bath with a shower head. But even though setting the mood is important, I also get that sometimes you just want to blast it out in an empty work bathroom like the horny little freak you are. Just try to switch it up and shoot off somewhere with toilet paper over one ply.

Use lube! 

Please…use lube when you masturbate. I truly don’t understand why people don’t do this. Why? Who hurt you?

I understand some people might enjoy the rougher sensation of a dry masturbation session, but it can lead to a lot of unwanted problems down the road. You can lose a lot of sensitivity down there, and it can lead to damaging your genital tissue. Keep the friction to a minimum; you’re trying to start the fires of passion in your soul, not a literal fire.

I generally use coconut oil, as it’s been proven to be an effective, natural lube. Plus, the negative side effects that coconut oil lube does present—such as yeast infections, allergic reactions, and incompatibility with latex condoms—won’t affect me, personally. I also smell like a nice vegan treat after, which we all already knew was the case. But again, that’s what works for me! It’s all about what works, so grab a good lube for you. But please, for the love of God, don’t use soap or hand sanitizer.

Change it up. 

You wouldn’t have sex in the same place, the exact same way, so why masturbate the same every time? It’s important to try new things with yourself sexually, as it makes masturbating feel less like a “chore” and more of a “score.” Varying your technique can keep it interesting and may have positive benefits on your sex life, too.

Changing up your stroke speed during masturbation sessions can help you last longer during sex, which makes sense. If you rub it out quickly all the time, you’re training your genitals to respond quickly to sexual stimulation. Don’t be that person who throws a sticky icky quickly. Edging—the practice of bringing yourself right up to the edge of climax—is a good technique to help you last longer, and it can also help you reach multiple orgasms regardless of your toolbelt.

Switching hands, changing the pressure, even—dare I say it—turning off the porn and using your imagination (wild) are all factors that can improve your sexy time, solo or otherwise. Hell, throw a wrench into the equation and get yourself a sex toy of any variety. 

Sharing is caring. 

Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo experience, and we should all be giving back to our community. As long as consent is given before sharing your privates, let someone else get a little enjoyment out of your little enjoyment.

If you’re gonna make a literal production out of it, make sure you set yourself up with the right equipment. Check the lighting to make sure everything looks good, try out different angles, and invest in a decent tripod. With the right audio-visual equipment, you can make yourself an indie film worthy of a Golden Globe.

Most importantly, if you’re going to film yourself, clean your goddamn room. This one’s also just a good incentive to clean your room.

Sharing solo videos really helped me while I was dating my current boyfriend long distance and found another use for my hands that wasn’t just crying into them. I even used the tears too—they can be quite slippery, or I might just have a weird body? But there’s plenty of photo and video evidence to prove that our sex life didn’t slow down despite being in different time zones.

Even if it’s just for yourself, though, documenting the masturbation process can be an exciting way of spicing it up. My motto is always, “Don’t let a good cum go to waste.”

I hope you found this list useful. Like RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” Amen on that one! Solo sex is about the journey, not the destination. So go in your room, throw on that string quartet version of T-Swift’s “Wildest Dreams,” and think about all the duties you’ll get as Duchess of Hasting—or somewhere else, because I’m the Duchess of Hastings, sorry.