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An open letter to my depression

Nov. 13, 2017
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Dear Depression,

Hi, old friend. How have you been? I know it hasn’t been very long, but I just wanted to tell you that I don’t plan on seeing you for a little while longer. I’ve been keeping busy and trying to pretend I don’t miss you—but it’s just too hard to keep going back and forth with you. I know this won’t be easy for either of us, but I think trying to spend some time apart is the best idea for right now. I know I haven’t been happy, and I know that you are happy when I’m not. It’s not fair.

You feed upon my self-hatred. You’re a toxic person in my life, and I have to remove you for the time being. I’m sure you’ll eventually come back into my life in some way or another. But for now, I am trying to be without you. It’s not easy. I see you in my shadows; I see your face appear at the window outside my bedroom; I see you standing over me at night. It’s like living in a horror movie: I never know when you’re going to pop out and take me over again.

Anxiety is doing well, if you were wondering. She’s here with me, and as much as I want to write her a letter like this one, we’re getting along a little better now, so I might hold out. I’m sorry I can’t hold onto you for longer. I’m sorry that I can’t crawl back under my covers and hide in our sadness for a month or two. I know that’s what we both want me to do, but it’s not what I should do. What I should do, what I am doing, is writing you this letter.

It’s over. I’m sorry we couldn’t make it work, but I won’t let you drown me and turn me to dust at the slightest mention of a task I need to complete or a social interaction I should encounter again. I can’t let you anchor my ankles to the bottom of the ocean and let me sink again. It’s over. I’m sorry, and I’ll miss you, but for now I can’t hide from the whole world and let it pass me by. I have to leave you and get back to my world—to my life. 

Goodbye, old friend. We’ve had a good run.