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An inner dialogue with my addiction

Apr. 15, 2017
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TIERNAN, a 23 year-old writer, sits on her bed. She has just gotten home after having a bad day. Her boss yelled at her, she sat in traffic for 2 hours, and she just stubbed her toe on the way in. She is on the verge of tears. 

ADDICTION: What’s up, girlfriend! Ya know what would make you feel better?

TIERNAN: Don’t say it--


TIERNAN: No, I’ve been clean for 6 months, I am not fucking that up just becaus--

ADDICTION: Because you have so much going for you right now? Please. Today sucked, tomorrow will probably suck, and so will the day after that. You might as well just do a line and have some fun. In the overall scheme of things, one little line won’t matter that much anyway.

TIERNAN: It will if I get fired for being coked out on the job.

ADDICTION: Oh, come on, you know you’ll probably get more work done if you do a line. And it’ll make you pumped up! There’s really no downside.

TIERNAN: Feeling like shit the next day and not being able to breathe through my nose are two pretty big downsides.

ADDICTION: Like you’ve never been hungover before. And who cares how you’ll feel tomorrow--think of how much fun you’ll have right now!

TIERNAN: It’s 5 in the afternoon… on a Wednesday. What would be the point?

ADDICTION: Um, to feel that rush, that surge of life! And, anyway, you know you’d end up going clubbing, which is super fun when you’re coked up.

TIERNAN: I’m trying to not do that kind of stuff--I’m not a kid anymore. I mean, I can’t just go clubbing in the middle of the week!

ADDICTION: Dude, you’re 23. One night of fun wouldn’t make you irresponsible. In fact, it would be irresponsible not to live it up in your twenties! Are you gonna remember that night you spent at home working, or are you gonna remember that awesome night where you partied and felt amazing?!

Doubt starts to creep into TIERNAN’S mind.

TIERNAN: But I’ve been feeling so good without it recently...

ADDICTION: Not so hot right now, though, are ya? It’ll cheer you up right quick!

TIERNAN: My wallet won’t feel so cheery. I’m so broke.

TIERNAN checks her bank account on her phone.

ADDICTION: ‘I’m so broke’ rhymes with ‘Go do some coke.’

TIERNAN: Who cares if it rhymes? Rhyming won’t bring my $50 back.

ADDICTION: $50 really isn’t that much when ya think about it. It’s just two $20s and a $10.

TIERNAN: Saying it in different intervals doesn’t make it less expensive. That’s grocery money.

TIERNAN checks the refrigerator to see how much food she has.

ADDICTION: Um, hellooo. You won’t need to buy groceries when you’re on coke. You’re never hungry.

TIERNAN: That only lasts when I’m on coke. Not the entire week.

ADDICTION: So just spread it out over the entire week!

TIERNAN remembers the last time she bought coke. How she tried to spread it out over a week. How she ended up doing it all in one night and had a mental breakdown the next day and couldn’t get out of bed for a few days because she was so depressed.

TIERNAN: We both know that isn’t going to happen. 

ADDICTION: Not with that attitude.

TIERNAN: I would end up doing the whole gram in one night. I would probably regret most of the things I do or say. I would feel like absolute death the next day and have to leave work early, which I can’t afford to do right now. And on top of that, I wouldn’t have money for groceries the entire week. No, thank you.


TIERNAN: I said no.

TIERNAN is proud of herself. But she still gets up immediately to give her wallet to her roommate… just in case.