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Life A safe-ish rookie's guide to smoking weed

Apr. 1, 2019
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Here at Adolescent, we’re all good children of our different denominations and would never indulge in the devil’s cabbage—but in the name of safety and journalism, we figured many of you out there might be on the brink of toking some of that sweet, sweet ganga. So we thought it’d be best to put out a nice guide for you first-time partakers out there so that you don’t have a memory of fear and regret. Here are our rules for a good, safe sesh.

  1. Don’t smoke just because it’s available.

Just because your cousin’s best friend is offering you some weed at a house party doesn’t necessarily mean you should rid yourself of your marijuana virginity. Diving straight in, after all, can be a fast lane to a bad night. Though a lot of people talk about how great being high is, there’s a very real chance you might be part of the fraction of people who simply get paranoid on weed. This can be exacerbated by your environment, and if you don’t have someone who truly cares about you watching out for you (same concept as a trip sitter) you could end up in a closet with your knees around your chest, positive that S.W.A.T. is about to burst in. Weed isn’t that hard to find—it’ll pop back up in your life eventually.

2. Don’t smoke with that guy you’re unsure about.

Free weed can be great, or it can be spice—also known as K2, which luckily is not a huge problem in America but is still something to watch out for. Knowing the source of your weed and that it’s safe is very important. Some predators try to get their victims heavily inebriated before they pounce, and the same can apply to weed, especially if it’s your first time. It is of the utmost importance that you are surrounded by people that you care and trust during your first time, and ideally some of the group should be more experienced. Plus, it’s way more entertaining that way, to be honest.

3. Try to have one fixed location in case you do freak out.

If you’ve been smoking for a while you know that at one point or another, you’re going to have a bad high. For some, that’s your first time. What helps are a bunch of comfy couches, some nice colored lights, some Cowboy Bebop, and possibly a dog (but not in the room while you’re smoking). Honestly, everything becomes a mission when you’re blitzed. A walk to the store becomes a trip to Mordor. Every police officer you see has you ducking beneath the seat. Going home and running in to your parents, has you shweating bullets. Avoid the hassle and choose a place where you don’t have to fear authorities.

4. Go with the flow.

Hey, it happened. You’re freaking out. You suddenly remembered you have a test next week, or you’re positive that your principal who lives two blocks away can smell what’s going on, or you’re just way too high. Don’t worry. You’re not going to die. While it is possible to OD on weed, usually the death is due to previous cardiovascular issues in either small children or elders. If you’re in the first group, slow down, buckaroo—your frontal lobe is not developed enough at all. If you’re in the second group, talk to your doctors beforehand. For the rest of you, just relax and remind yourself that it’s going to be okay. Even just saying that out loud can help. If someone is worsening the situation, separate yourself from them; go into another room and request some space. Remember that this is an independent experience, and that while your friends might be high too, they are not experiencing the same effects. 

5. Preferably, avoid edibles on the first round.

Edibles can be a fun time. For me, personally, it feels like the world is melting around me into a Monet painting. But I consume a ridiculous amount of weed, and edibles can be a complete crapshoot. Depending on numerous variables you might get an edible that knocks you off your ass from just a bite, or you might be able to consume half a tray. I once accidentally drank 200mg of THC lemonade and was uncomfortably high for 72 hours. Not joking. If it’s your first time, I would highly suggest that you just keep it to smoking. It allows for a more controlled high. 

6. Take your time.

Patience is a virtue. A common mistake that many first-timers make is taking a drag or two, not feeling anything for the first couple of minutes, and then getting cocky. Take that initial puff, cough a bunch to let your lungs warm up, and then wait fifteen minutes. If you’re still not feeling high enough, take another couple of drags.

7. Munchies are a motherfucker, so prepare the grub beforehand.

This one is pretty self-explanatory if you’ve ever spent over a hundred dollars on Uber Eats because no one could drive. Or heaven forbid you order an Uber Pool and have an awkward, paranoid ride because everyone is terrified to talk. A minimal amount of planning can help prevent regrettable decisions and allow you to meet the immediate demands of your stomach. I highly suggest picking up some Raising Cane’s right before lighting up.

8. Music is magic.

If you didn’t appreciate music beforehand, Mamajuana is going to take you to church and show you God. I highly suggest Blonde by Frank Ocean, Peak by Choker, Backyard Boogie by J Boog, Notions by Tash Sultana, Blkswn by Smino—actually, I would suggest pretty much anything. You can’t really go wrong. A smart move is to have your favorite tunes ready on your phone. That way, if shit starts going sideways you have some fantastic bops to help you relax a bit. 

While we can’t guarantee a great first time (shit happens), if you follow these steps you’ll probably have a better ride than the average fool.