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Sex & Love A guide to going down on someone

Jun. 19, 2019
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It’s no surprise that sexual experiences evoke a whole myriad of different emotions and senses—you’re exposing yourself in an extremely intimate way. I’ve had my fair share of anxiety-ridden and sometimes even scary sexual experiences; I’ve worried about not being good enough and embarrassing myself, and experienced a whole lot of trying-something-for-the-first-time nerves. The key thing to remember is that you’re not alone in these feelings; your partner is also feeling naked, both emotionally and physically.

A guide to going down on someone

First, allow yourself to breathe deeply. Not only will this calm you, but it’ll allow you to feel sexier. We tend to slow and deepen our breathing during sexual activity, and in feeling more confident we can access the parts of our brain that deal with pleasure. And yes, it can feel pleasurable to go down on someone—to have the power to make them feel incredible things.

Keep in mind that going down on someone is an act of giving pleasure. You’re giving them a sensation that they can’t give themselves. Go in wanting to give them your A-game! You can literally feel someone’s confidence down there (and that’s pretty hot if you ask me.)

One good rule for going down on someone is to do unto them as you would yourself. Give them exactly what you’d want if the roles were reversed—what do you like? What really gets you going? Give it to them. Don’t be afraid to use your imagination, either—if you don’t have a clit, what would you love done to yours if you did? You can start with kissing. Use your mouth and tongue to stroke, lick, press, and tickle. Really try to enjoy yourself! Base your movements on what you’d do if you were kissing them on the mouth. There are a lot of nerve endings and receptors down there, and any kind of passionate movement is sure to yield a response. You can work out more specifically what to do from there, but just do whatever comes naturally.

During all of this, listen to their body. Try to watch how they physically respond to what you’re doing and any changes you make. Don’t be afraid to stimulate other parts of their body, too! A lot of pleasure can come from anticipation—making someone wait for the good stuff. Try kissing around their crotch gently. Licking their thighs and stomach can be unbelievably exciting, as can heavy breathing on sensitive areas. After all, going down on someone doesn’t have to just be about the act itself—it can be about heightening the anticipation to a boiling point where the feeling of your mouth, lips, and tongue will offer the most incredible relief. Don’t be afraid to make someone want it so bad they could burst.

Next, be communicative. If you’re worried that you won’t know what you’re doing, just be honest and open about it. The secret to amazing sex is communication. You can ask them beforehand what they’d like for you to do, or even make it a bit sexier and ask small questions while you’re down there—“How does this feel?” “Do you like that?” “What do you want me to do?” I know that might feel embarrassing when you’re in the moment, but whoever you’re with will respect your confidence and it will give them the opportunity to really get what they want.

Like I said before, oral is vulnerable—getting your face all up in someone’s business is very exposing for them and you. But it also gives you a certain sense of control, since you’re in control of their comfort and experience, so listen, respond, and be passionate.