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Sex & Love A beginner's guide to masturbation

Jan. 6, 2020
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Let me start by stating the very first masturbation commandment, which is that masturbation is personal. All advice you may be given has to be adapted to your own body, needs, and preferences. With all of today’s opinions and judgments on how to approach your sexuality, it can be stressful and intimidating to know what exactly it is you need to be doing to your clit. But the truth is, there’s nothing you’re supposed to be doing. Whatever gets you to town gets you to town, and the only real indicator of what the right moves are is your own pleasure. So my main advice here is to really listen to your own body and take all my advice with a grain of salt. 

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get down to business. 

Physical differences

First of all, we don’t all have the same little bean down there. The size, shape, and sensitivity of the clit varies, resulting in different physical experiences. Although we all have around 8,000 nerve endings, which spread the ultimate bonanza further to 15,000 nerves around the pelvis, we don’t all operate in the same way. Just as an example, if your clitoral hood (the outside part of the clitoris) is larger, it may be less reactive, which is often the result of clitoral adhesions—when sebum and bacteria enter and build up under the head. About 1 in 5 women experience this, which means that many of us are deprived of sexual pleasure due to an unrecognized physical condition. This and a thousand other issues related to the clitoris (and, in turn, female sexuality) can cause a low sex drive, irritation, and other unpleasant or even painful symptoms. 


It’s so important to get to know your own companion. Whether through medical consultations, personal sessions, or simply looking in the mirror, it’s crucial to approach this as an ongoing exploration of yourself. 

Getting to know your vagina—how it feels, how to touch it, where everything is, and how it’s all connected—is something everyone who has one should explore. I don’t see how you can masturbate if you don’t know what your clitoris is or what it wants. It’s an integral part of your body and your sexuality, after all. 

It’s honestly crazy how we can do so much for our loved ones but so little for ourselves. Every day I speak to girls who are thoughtful and caring—but so rarely to themselves. Masturbation is definitely an act of self-love and self-care, so I want to send an encouraging reminder to anyone reading this: have a date with yourself and love yourself a little. Light some candles, set the mood, and rock it. Spoil yourself a bit and make yourself feel good. 

Vaginal or clitoral? 

So, is the clit the only thing that really matters? What about vaginal orgasms—don’t they count too? Of course they do, but the clit is kind of the only thing that really matters. Usually when we refer to the clitoris, we only think of the gland (the little bean) and its surrounding hood. But this is only the outside part of the whole enterprise, and it’s connected to the internal part via the corpora cavernosa, which branches out around the entire vagina. This means that the famous G-spot inside of your vagina is also the clitoris. It’s all about the clitoris. 

But like, how?

There are so many ways to masturbate. I suggest trying out everything that draws your attention and seeing what works for you. Sometimes, though, things can be intimidating, and you may not know where to start. Here’s a little list of things you can try out.

  • Fingering. Old but gold. You can do this using various speeds, motions, and intensity. I suggest starting by rubbing your clitoral gland in a gentle, circular motion. Once you’re a bit wet you can try to go sideways or from top to bottom. You can also finger your vagina, which translates to simply putting one (or more) finger(s) inside and exploring the area. Remember your clitoris is all around it, so press your fingers around to find the spots that feel best for you. A little spit never hurts.
  • Sex toys. It’s hard to speak about sex toys in general because there are so many of them. From small vibrators to massive dildos to chokers, I believe practically everyone can find a tool that works for them. Some can seem intimidating, of course. I wouldn’t recommend starting your masturbation journey by shoving an anal plug up your ass (although, hey, whatever floats your boat)—instead, start with something you feel truly comfortable with. As a petite lady with a preference for external clitoral stimulation, I’m very pleased with my small purple vibrator. It has ten ways to love me and I love all of them. 
  • Shower. It might seem odd, but a shower head can really rock your world. You simply need to direct the stream at your clitoris and find a way that makes you feel good; for example, try moving the shower head in circles around your clitoris. This isn’t the most environmentally-friendly technique, but the advantage is you can do it almost anywhere and it delivers.